Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO