Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.