Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”