“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
my fav colour is also hitler
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.