Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Born to be mild.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]