Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
All excellent questions
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?