Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue