It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
This was the best day of my life
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.