I WON A HAM TODAY
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.