4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
That time Alicia messaged me
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.