“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again