Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
A new level of troll.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Ron is short for Aaronald
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals