Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
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Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.