Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic