If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”