Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”