@markydoodoo *strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
@HollyHeals Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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@markydoodoo 
@1MeLrO I like it thick and deep
Pizza
@Pundamentalism WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
@agentbizzle I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
@bobvulfov Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
@lottiegwalker Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
@theshantilly “Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
@sweetg35 Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
@JimmerThatisAll I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
@DanSpenser Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black