You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.