@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

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@ACartoonCat

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

@Desert_Musings

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@daemonic3

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

@QwertyJones3

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

@GuyThe_Guy

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.