@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

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@markydoodoo

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@agentbizzle

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

@bobvulfov

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

@theshantilly

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

@DanSpenser

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black