Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
You Might Also Like
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Huge, if true.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.