Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.