I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.