girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
You Might Also Like
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems