My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Time for evil
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down