CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
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I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
first you must answer his riddles
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.