It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.