Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad