HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
The game has officially changed 😎
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this