The game has officially changed 😎
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DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”