If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Woke up against my better judgment again
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.