Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My birthstone is kidney
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”