Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
He a real one for that
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I have so many questions.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.