I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I hope they boil the right one.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport