My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.