My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
And then there were 4
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
This tweet has been deleted
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”