It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Finished stitching this today 😇
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester