One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Every haunted house movie:
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.