@XennDad Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
@jakob_huber One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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@XennDad 
@mommy_cusses *Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
@suecorvette what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
@aka_fatman Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@PaperWash It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
@iwearaonesie me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
@MarfSalvador Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
@MeIissaLastname Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
@InternalJane furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
@Slim_Luck_Alex Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans