@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

You Might Also Like

@XennDad

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

@mommy_cusses

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

@aka_fatman

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@MarfSalvador

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

@InternalJane

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.