The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Twitter remains undefeated
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.