[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Covid like
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Never be a pizza!
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?