ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
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My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”
*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents