[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*![]()
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.