*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising