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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
In space, no one can hear…
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I am, perchance
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I wish this was real life…
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.