Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Well, this is awkward
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?