I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop