My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Good news
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first