what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
We all have our pet causes.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage