Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it