*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
concern
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them