Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
How funny!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.