I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m sorry…what?
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.