it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
went fishing caught a bass
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do