“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

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When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”


A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.


Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.


Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.


WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*


Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.


The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word


Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it


In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder


8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me