My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?